Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
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