Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
