I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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