Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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