Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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