She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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