Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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