No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
