nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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