You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
