How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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