this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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