I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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