I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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