Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
