he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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