I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize