And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
