why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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