Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
