Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
