I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
