It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
