i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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