are you so shy because you have an std?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
