I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
