don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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