Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
