We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
