dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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