I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
