I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
