Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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