I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
