Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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