he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize