so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
