ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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