I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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