He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My liver just had a heart attack.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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