I'm gonna have a badass scar
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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