i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize