Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
