I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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