So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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