I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
