I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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