what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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