just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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