Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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