I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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