Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
