That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
