she woke up with a sticky ear
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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