After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize