When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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