well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
