I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
